Identity and Intimacy in Christ: A Series on Sexuality
gsilker February 3rd, 2008
In anticipation for a four-week series on sexuality beginning February 10th, we would like to see everyone take advantage of this wonderful website Ashok has set up. We have blog capability so that people can post questions or comments relating the specific Sunday topics or to other aspects of sexuality online! All you have to do is make a username and password! It’s that easy! Email Jaci at contact@sojourncampuschurch.net with what you would like your username and password to be and she will set it up for you!
This series is not meant to be a lecture, but a coming together of community. Because of this, we ask that everyone submit questions or comments either online or on paper that will be passed around at the beginning of services the next few weeks and collected in offering baskets placed around the sanctuary. You can also find Jaci in the office after service and set up usernames and passwords then. These questions and comments will be used and addressed in several panel discussion that will be occurring weeks 2, 3, and 4 of the series.
Week One: Broken Sexuality and Images of Hope
Week Two: Identity: Living as Men and Women in Christ
Week Three: The Inner World: Temptations, Lusts, and Victories
Week Four: How Jesus Heals: Finding Freedom in Him.
Please submit questions or comments relating to these topics or to other issues of sexuality you see as important or crucial to your life or to your peers. These coming weeks will be both intense and liberating. We need to come together as a body to lift one another up and to help meet the needs of the Sojourn Community!
Come with an open mind and heart! See what God is working in our individual and community lives!
this sounds kind of scary…..
but I trust the staff….
it would be so cool if lots of people would be healed. and FOUND in Christ!
that would be way sweet.
In all seriousness….
I do have a question.
What can we as Christians tell our friends who are so filled with so much hurt and confusion over issues of sexuality when they don’t believe in a God who heals completely? How do we help them through without sounding like their mothers?
I guess first to be honest about where God has healed us and where we are still a work in progress. There are few things more obnoxious than someone who thinks they have it ALL together. Jesus has made me better than I was, but I am still a work in progress. And all the people who know me smile (or grimace) and say “Amen!”
Here’s a question: In what way is sexual sin different (more serious?) than other kinds of sin? (ref. 1 Cor 6:18). Any thoughts?
Hi!
In response to Ashok, I am so moved by what Craig and Greg spoke on about how we are made in the image of God and how that makes us so different than anything else on earth–so the reference, 1 Corinthians 6:18, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” really makes me think that this is a crucial point God wants us to grasp–that BECAUSE we are created in his image, that makes our bodies true vessels. Vessels or whatever word you want for what is meant to carry God’s word and God’s love all over the world. So when we sin against our bodies with sexual sin, we are damaging God’s vessel and diminishing our capability to do HIS work.
It seems like the healing that our bodies need is so much more intense than with other types of sin because we have betrayed ourselves and God’s intention for our bodies; it’s not like we can just go to our friend and say, “sorry, I know I shouldn’t have done that,” because sexual sin is SO internal, the process of healing and forgiving ourselves takes so much longer. So maybe it’s a human perception that it’s “worse,” but a biblical observation that it’s HARDER to recover from. If Craig gets around to blogging, I’d love to hear his perspective on this……hint. hint.
Hi all,
Yes to Jaci, and I would like to add more. Not only do we sin against our own body, but we have a transcendent connection to who/whatever we have sex with. This is what Paul is refering to when he says we become “one in spirit” with someone in a sexual relationship. Men will sometimes give crass expression to this by saying “I got a ‘piece’ last night.” Yes indeed, and you also left a piece behind. In other words, in a sexual relationship, you give a part of yourself away. If that self-giving is in the context of a committed marriage relationship, there is a mutual giving at the sexual and spiritual level that is both sacrificial, sacramental, and healing. But if that giving of self is to two or more people, you have spiritually given pieces of yourself that are never recovered. You become fragmented, empty, even spiritually and emotionally deadened.
In the case of the man or woman who gives himself or herself to pornography, pornographic literature, extensive lustful fantasy, or lust-oriented solosex / masturbation there are potentially even worse consequences. Now in one sense it is not as bad, because you are not hurting someone else directly (although all are diminished in a society that sexually objectifies human bodies). But what is so serious in this kind of behavior is that it removes our sexuality from relationship. Our sexual gifts are intended by God to draw us into the mutually satisfying and self-giving sexual relation of marriage. Lust takes those gifts and turns them into a drug of sorts, which we use for pleasure, comfort and to deal with boredom. This is the sort of thing I had in mind when I suggested Sunday that the rule of thumb for determining Godly sexual behavior includes whether it strengthens God’s purposes for marraige. Any kind of lust diminishes our capacity for genuine, tender, loving sexual expression in marraige.
An illustration may help. I once had an instructor in the Air Force who was quite coarse. He commented once that sex was no more pleasurable than, to put it discretely, going to the restroom. Now what had happened to this pathetic man? His life of self-centered lusting after women had diminished his capacity to enjoy a sexual relationship with his wife. It is a safe guess that he gave his wife little incentive to value those times together. The irony here is that selfish indulgence eventually reduces the pleasure God intended for the marriage relationship, whereas “waiting on each other” increases pleasure. It is now a commonplace finding in marriage research that sexual fulfillment is greatest in older, faithfully married “religious” (read “Christian”) couples. Why? Many reasons, but perhaps the greatest is that sexual pleasure, including orgasm, is related to trust. And that trust involves exclusive devotion. That devotion withers away lust as a paltry wisp compared to the solid substance and richness of the marriage relation. As one man said, it is hard to be tempted by a VW on the street when you have an Audi or BMW at home!
I see that I am turning this blog entry into a sermon, so I’ll wind down now. Those are a few thoughts.
Pastor Craig
Isn’t there a certain wizard in a certain book series who “fragments” himself, and so is deadened to love and true relationships…..oops! (Stay away from controversy, Ashok!!)
Anyway - what hope do we have if we’ve messed up like this and are indeed facing the ugly consequences of our sin? (I know a guy..ha ha!) How does Jesus restore us? (Or am I asking for a preview of next weeks sermon?)
How does Jesus restore us? This is an incredible question that has no quick answer. There are at least three issues here.
1. First, one must be assured of the forgiveness of both past and ongoing sin. Although the Bible never gives blanket permission to go out and sin, when we deal with internal, split second decisions we need to know the grace of God covers a struggling son or daughter in Christ. Long term obediance is based in knowing the love of God, not from fearing consequences. So for the believer 1 John 1:9-2:2 gives a fascinating dual message, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar, and the truth is not in us. My dear children, I write this to you so thast you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense, Jesus Christ the righteous one. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours, but also for the sins of the whole world.” So there it is: his point is to see them free from sin, but in the midst of the struggle there is forgiveness!
2. The second issue is deliverance. Sexual habits become addictive because of the chemical reinforcement in the brain whenever there is arousing and/or orgasmic experiences. Those chemical “tracks” are present even after repentance! This is why habit motivations can bind in behaviors that we at some level no longer desire. How to get free? Books have been written. But we will take a few small steps here. First, perspective must change. If lust is seen as a really good and rewarding thing that I must somehow deny, this is hopeless. Somehow I must regognize at some fundamental level that this is not really what I want. What I want, if married, is to channel my sexual energy toward sacrificially serving my spouse, resulting in a free and unfettered sexual relationship with my spouse. What I want, if single, is a reasonable level of sexual contentment and the freedom to rechannel sexual energy for sacrificial kingdom purposes, resulting in free relationships with both the Lord and his people. The point is that lust steals life and perverts the God given energy that is intended to used for intimacy and fertility (physical and/or spiritual.
But then we have to recreate new pathways for the brain to travel on. This is the “renewing of the mind” of Romans 12. Sy Rogers has some great thoughts on this, but to put it briefly, one needs to take typical cycles of temptation and change the pattern. For example. “Hmmm, I am bored with these Physics problem sets, I need a break… Wow! look at that girl over there!” (Probably okay and normal.) “Look at her …(specific sexual characteristics).” (Although you could con yourself that you are merely appreciating beauty, here is where the line to lust is crossed at some point.) “I wish…” (Sexually explicit fantasy begins; this is clearly wrong!) So at the point of seeing the woman (or man, or recalling an image) is where a new compelling and emotionally satisfying pattern needs to be created. Like, “Wow she is beautiful! Thank God for that and keep her pure. Thank God for my wife, God’s intimate gift to me! Hmm, what nice thing could i do for Michele right now…” I realize that probably sounds cheesy; hey, its mid-afternoon! But the point is distraction onto the concrete Godly hope appropriate to one’s marital state. So if I am single, I point my hope toward future marriage (if I am fairly sure that is my calling) and / or toward contentment and the opportunity to serve unfettered in the single state.
Again, these are simply seeds of a larger picture.
3. Thirdly, we need to see our sexuality in light of our larger hope and purpose. We are all destined for the most intoxicating and intimate and overwhelming relationship possible: to be the bride of Christ! So my heart-felt but smaller struggles all gain perspective in light of this great gospel hope. I am created for intimacy with God and an eternal fruitfulness of which earthy relationships are only a dim echo.
Thanks Pas Craig! I loved the way you started and ended the sermon last Sunday… When you started I think you said “When we go back to Genesis we see that when God created man, he left him in charge…he was not enslaved to anything”. You went on to describe how God’s intent in Creation and Christ’s intent in Redemption (re-Creation) is that we live “free”… Free from crippling fear, shame, guilt and bondage. It’s liberating to know that we are just not meant to live under this stuff… When you ended you talked about the goal: “The goal is healed hearts that are able to bond in intimacy with God, our spouses and our community”.
BTW - could you comment a bit more about “the most intoxicating and intimate and overwhelming relationship possible: to be the bride of Christ”? What exactly are you talking about? (intoxicating….?…whoa!)
In Ephesians 5 Paul says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Wow! From this most understand marriage to be a type, pattern or picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. So that Christ, like a husband, pursues, cares and provides for and loves the church. We are in the wife-like place of responding to Christ’s initiative of love. As C. S. Lewis says, we are all feminine with respect to Christ (in the sense of the classic male and female role). So far this is not controversial. But then one wonders how far to take the analogy.
I will give my opinion on how far we can take the analogy without claiming infallibility for the interpretation! Paul is moving from type (pattern) to fulfillment. In general, the fulfillment of a type is more profound and greater than the type. So in this case, it seems that the love, communion (intimacy), and even pleasure of marriage is intended to point to a parallel fulfillment in our relationship with Christ. What exactly this means is very difficult to say. But I think it is safe to say that the spiritual intercommunion with Christ in heaven will be profound and intimate. Remember, Christ by the Spirit has direct access to your spirit. So that I, at the least, anticipate times of close spiritual communion in heaven that are mind blowing! In general, I can’t imagine “knowing as we are known” being less exciting than the marriage sexual relationship. So then, in some spiritual way, we experience a profound interpenetration and communion by the Spirit. To some degree we already taste this in prayer and worship in this life. Just imagine your greatest vision of God, or your most mind blowing worship experience, and multiply by one billion. You get the idea. So, yes, “intoxicating.” I can think of no other word. “I am faint with love.”
By the way, it is partly from this understanding that the ennobling of the single calling is rooted. In Christ, the person who devotes his or her life in single service to Christ, although sacrificing some very profound joys on earth, is not sacrificing the heavenly reality to which those joys point.
I hope this is helpful.
Unfortunately I haven’t gotten a chance to post my thoughts from last Sun. pertaining to boundaries since I have limited internet access these days. Will post soon, though!
Mike (Newland)
Still haven’t gotten to the boundaries post, but I AM in the middle of writing up a post re: Agents of Change in My Journey into Whole Sexuality…although as I’m writing, I’m wondering if it would adequately fit under the categorization of “article” rather than “post”… Hope to finish it tonight & post it tomorrow.
Mike
Agents of Change in My Journey into Whole Sexuality- Michael Newland
February 28-March 1, 2008
1. God’s Love- Ephesians 3:14-19
Becoming rooted and grounded in the love of God has been imperative in my journey into sexual wholeness. All of humanity is broken in its capacity to give and receive love, and this is especially true for those who struggle with sexual and relational brokenness. In fact, for most people struggling with sexual and relational brokenness, the driving force behind their brokenness is not their rebellion but rather their efforts to meet their need for love in illegitimate ways. Therefore, in order for one to arise out of broken sexuality, love must be set aright.
The degree to which we receive God’s healing in the core of our hearts is largely determined by how secure we are in His love. To explain, in allowing God into our broken sexuality, we give Him permission to expose and uproot the darkness of our hearts, those areas that still need to be dealt with and reconciled to Christ. This can be a long, painful, and overwhelming process. Fortunately, as we allow God to pour His love into our hearts, as we come to know God’s love for us even in the midst of our weakness and struggles (Songs 1:5), we gain confidence that the work He is doing in us, no matter how painful it may be, is good and done out of His perfect love –we are not shaken as we come face to face with our brokenness. This confidence fuels our perseverance to continue on in the refining process. God wants to take the yokes and burdens that we trudge and stumble around with, but we will not yield them to Him unless we truly trust in His love.
Easier said than done, right, being rooted and grounded in God’s love? While God enables us to receive His love in a myriad of ways, I have found that the greatest healing in my ability and capacity to receive God’s love has come in the place of learning to discern His voice. I grew up in the church, so I have heard more sermons and teachings and conversations about God’s love than I can count. I also know that it is one thing to hear and learn about something, and it is another thing to believe it beyond a shadow of a doubt in the very core of ours heart. When we hear directly from God, whether it be through words, pictures, impressions, or whatever other means, His word bypasses our intellect and goes straight to our heart. Learning to hear and discern the voice of God is a process, but we must start somewhere. This process begins in the place of taking time out of our day, laying our agenda aside, and waiting before the Lord. I find it helpful to bring whatever scripture passage I am studying before God and asking Him what it is He wants to speak to me that very day. God is quick to restore the brokenhearted, to whom He wants to speak words of grace, healing, restoration, and yes, at times correction, all of which come out of His abundant love for His children. As we receive these words, we receive from the outpouring of His love.
2. Worshiping God- Psalm 27
Those who struggle with sexual and relational brokenness are usually very self-focused. As one commences on the journey toward whole sexuality, it can seem natural and logical to focus even more on oneself as one searches for and scrutinizes those areas of one’s heart that need the healing and redemptive touch of the Healer. However, we must recognize the truth that it is the Holy Spirit, the one who discerns the hearts and minds of men, that does the searching. All that is required of us is a willing and receptive heart. In addition, we were created to and commanded to worship God. As we lift our gaze from ourselves to the Almighty God, things fall into perspective. Indeed, our struggles no longer seem as large and insurmountable as we begin to behold the reality of God’s majesty, glory, and power. The lure of this world begins to pale in comparison to the captivating beauty and splendor of God. As David said in one of His psalms, “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Thmy head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord” (Ps. 27:4-6).
3. Renewing of the Mind- Romans 12:2, Colossians 3:1-4
For those who have lived in a fantasy world through means such as the creative faculty of the mind or pornographic images, as well as those who have acted upon those fantasies, the mind can be a dark place and a stronghold that perpetuates the bondage of sexual sin. Romans 12:2 tells us to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” But how does one go about the process of the renewing of the mind? The spiritual disciplines are of vital importance here. As we fill our minds with the light of the truth of God’s Word, it begins to push out the darkness. In my own struggle, scripture memorization has yielded numerous benefits: (1) it has provided a means of soaking my mind in the Word of God at all moments of the day, especially at those times when I do not have a Bible at my fingertips; (2) it has been a weapon of defense against the temptation and the lies that have attempted to discourage me or draw me astray from my pursuit of a life of purity and holiness; (3) it has enriched my prayer life, providing more language to my prayers as well as the freedom to spontaneously pray the Word. Moreover, when sexual images do come to mind, we can invite Jesus into those images, and we can also nail them to the cross. God does not exist within the confines of time –He makes the cross available to us even now.
4. Identity in Christ- Ephesians 4:22-24
In my own struggle with homosexuality, I found myself floating in the chasm between the world’s labels of “gay” and “straight”. When we deny one identity, it is often tempting to acquire a new label such as “ex-gay”, yet we must not find our identity in our past or present struggles –we must find our identity in who we are in Christ, who He has created us to be, and who He is forming us into. Because we have been washed by the blood of Jesus, we can boldly stand before God’s throne as ones who have been redeemed (Heb. 4:16). We are no longer addicts, victims, or whatever false identity we have held onto, regardless of whether the identity is one we have taken on or others have placed upon us. Any identity we have acquired in relation to our brokenness must be put to death. God sees us as redeemed, as spotless and pure, and we must see ourselves through the same lens.
When God created us, who He created us to be was good. After all, we bear His very image (Gen. 1:26). In our fallen world, sin has marred that image, but gratefully God, the Master Craftsmen, wants to scrape and chip away at the filth that may still cover us and reveal our true identity. Paul wrote about identity in his letter to the church in Ephesus, a church which was no doubt filled with men and women who had formerly indulged in prostitution, homosexuality, and every other type of sexual immorality. Yet Paul told them to strip themselves of their former identities and to put on a new identity, an identity created in “true righteousness and holiness,” given to them as adopted sons and daughters of the heavenly Father. As new creations, we must make a continual and concerted effort to live out of this new identity, continually refusing to put back on our former identity.
5. Healthy Community
It seems to be our natural tendency to retreat into isolation when we feel ashamed –Adam and Eve were the first of mankind to demonstrate this when they hid from God in Genesis 3 –and certainly sexual brokenness can be a great source of shame. However, community, not isolation, is what helps bring about healing. Note that I am referring to community specifically in the sense of Christian fellowship.
I can personally testify to the importance of community. For the first five years of my struggle with sexual sin, I hid in secrecy and isolation. The power shame held over me was accompanied by a paralyzing fear of exposure. I prayed daily that God would heal me, but despite my fervent efforts, I gained no ground toward freedom. In fact, my struggle only intensified. I had two choices: bring my struggle into the light of community or be completely consumed by my unwanted homosexual desires. The possible consequences of bringing my struggle out into the light were frightening, but they paled in comparison to my only other option. Logic won out on this one, plus, I genuinely did desire to live a life pleasing to God. The choice of bringing my struggle into community was one of the best choices I have ever made. I began to experience much freedom and healing in terms of my struggle, which also freed me to grow into a greater maturity as a Christian.
Interacting in community can help bring about the healing of the Father in several ways. For one, it helps break the power of shame. As we bring our struggles into community, we realize that we are not alone, perhaps contradicting what we may have always believed. 1 Cor. 10:13, which says that “no temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man,” truly becomes a reality. As people do exemplify Christ’s love to us by loving us where we are at, we no longer have to hide in isolation. Of course there is the possibility that we will be rejected –indeed, other Christians are broken as well and may respond out of their brokenness –but I have found that more often than not, my brothers and sisters in Christ have responded with Christ’s love, blessing me with support, prayer, and encouragement.
Community also provides an environment in which we can learn how to love, and how to receive love, aright. As we interact with others, our broken ability to love is brought to the forefront. Our fears of loving and being loved are exposed; our insecurities are exposed; our failed attempts to love others solely out of our own strength and will are exposed. Fortunately, as all of this is brought out into the light, we have the opportunity to submit these areas to Christ and to ask Him to set love in order, to fill us with a greater measure of His love for others.
Perhaps one commonly misunderstood, and surely under-utilized, aspect of community is accountability. James 5:16 (NIV) says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Not only is the silencing power of shame broken as we confess our sins to trusted same-sex others, but we also invite them to come alongside of us in our particular struggle and lift us up in prayer. Notice that the verse does not merely say, “Confess your sins and be healed.” While confession may help break the power we allow sin to have over us, it is in the place of prayer that the Holy Spirit reveals the underlying roots that continue to fuel our struggle against sin.
Unfortunately most Christians’ picture of accountability stops here. The Word tells us that “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17). It also tells us that we are to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:17). And we are told to “consider one another in order to stir up love and good works…exhorting one another (Heb. 10:24-25). Accountability should involve so much more than merely confessing every time we stumble to sin and getting prayer. This is a crucial element of accountability, but true accountability should be a lifestyle of joining with others in the process of sanctification, bearing with them in their place of pain, yet rejoicing with them in their victories, and encouraging them to keep fighting the good fight until the day of Christ’s return.
6. Safeguards- Proverbs 4:23-27
We live in a fallen and broken world. It seems that those who desire to live a life of holiness, a life that is pleasing to God are running against the current. No matter what degree or type of brokenness we have experienced, we need safeguards to protect us from the slime of this world. What are the world and the enemy trying to force into your mind and your heart? What are you personally allowing into your mind? Renewing of the mind is not a one time deal. Our minds and hearts are daily assaulted on countless levels, and so we must also daily renew our minds.
What safeguards do you need for your particular struggle? As I struggled to break free from sexual addiction, the Lord revealed that extreme measures are necessary in breaking, fighting, or preventing an extreme addiction. You know what causes you to stumble, and if you sincerely desire to live a life of holiness, the Holy Spirit will be faithful to reveal more catalysts through which the darkness of this world tries to invade your heart and mind. Be aware that your vulnerabilities and struggles may look different than another person’s vulnerabilities and struggles. Consequently, so will your safeguards look different than another person’s safeguards. If you struggle with pornography, perhaps you need to quit using the internet altogether, or perhaps you need to only use the internet at work or at the local library. Or perhaps your particular vulnerabilities and struggle would warrant that you find a group of friends who do not socialize in the environments or participate in the activities that cause you to stumble, such as bars or nightclubs. My mentor Nate Oyloe sums it all up best when he paraphrases Matthew 5:29, saying, “I would rather cross the finish line of this life maimed and bloody than to be cast into the pit of hell.”
Obviously there is no formula to healing; there is no magic potion or spell. And surely there are more items that could be added to the agents of change that I have listed. However, I have listed several key elements that I have found to be helpful in my own journey into whole sexuality, as well as for those I minister to, and it is my prayer that they will aid you in your own journey into whole sexuality.
Mike, thanks for sharing!!!! We need to move this -it deserves a separate Post….I will leave this as is, and start another Post(=article) with this material. Thank you, again.